Yes, I am Bitching.

We've MOVED

2009-03-21T08:22:00.001-07:00

Please update your bookmarks. We are now located at www.yesiambitching.com. See you there!

March of the Meat-Eating Penguins

2009-03-20T02:51:00.000-07:00

Saturday we stopped by Madison Square Park where we saw the first Shake Shack line of the season. I’m not sure the picture does it justice, but the woman on the right is the last person in line. And she has about 1/8mile to go before she puts in an order. And their web site has a Shack Cam where you can go online to see how long the line actually is before you get over there. Notice the pasty people waiting for charred meat. Like I said, before, NY is full of zombie mobs.

Overheard in the Elevator

2009-03-18T14:14:00.000-07:00

"Hi Liz! So good to see you. How is your little one?"
"He is great. We're so excited. He just got accepted to pre-school."
"Is he ready?"
"He's 2. So we're a little late, but we wanted to get started on the payment plan."

I realize NY is a weird place; unlike anything else in the US. And so as not to make too much fun of the woman on the elevator I looked at the application process for York Avenue Pre-school It was not this hard to get into college.

Applications are available the day after Labor Day. They must be requested by phone that day. We do not acknowledge email requests for applications. Applications may be submitted from September through October 31st. An application must be submitted before a tour of the school is given. Once an application is returned to the school, please phone the admissions office to verify receipt of the application and to schedule your tour. A child playgroup will be scheduled at the conclusion of your tour.

A school tour is a required part of the admissions process. A visit here will best illuminate the school’s vision and practices. We require both parents attendance for the tour, while one parent may attend the playgroup.

Scheduled playgroups run from November through February. Our intention is to create a situation which is relaxed and as enjoyable as possible for the children.

Is anything sacred anymore?

2009-03-17T19:03:00.000-07:00

There are a few things in this world you can count on. Death and taxes are the go-to in this category. But until today I would have assumed that I could count on no one passing out free cookies in a gym. Doesn't it seem counter-intuitive? Or maybe it's a way to keep members coming back? But as I trudged on through minutes 26 and 27 on the stairmaster today I snapped this picture. The gentleman's tray has a lovely assortment of chocolate chunk, peanut butter and white chocolate macadamia. That son of a bitch.

Little pieces of cupcakey heaven

2009-03-16T13:41:00.000-07:00

Snack on the biggest little secret in town. New York is known for cupcakes, lots and lots of cupcakes. Magnolia Bakery is where it all began. Located in Greenwich Village, we all fell in love with their frosted treats watching Carrie Bradshaw devour them in Sex and the City. They stick to the simple flavors, and do it well. Head north to Crumbs on the Upper West Side for the big moist treats waiting for you. If they’re in stock, try the Baba Booey, a peanut butter and chocolate treat you won’t soon forget. If you’re not done yet, make your way to Buttercup Bakeshop. They have East and West side locations, so it’s easy to find them. Make sure you give the red velvet or lemon a try.
My newest favorite is Sweet Revenge back down in the village. They had their stint on Martha, which gives them street cred. But they amped up cupcakes by serving them with wine and beer pairings. We went on Saturday night. Against their pairing recommendations, try the Pure cupcake with a Guinness. Delish.

A Titanic Mess

2009-03-15T05:31:00.000-07:00

Long Island City is home to the Titanic Memorial Museum. You didn’t know they had one did you? It’s not official, but Joe Coletti, the inhabitant has done up the front of his home with as much memorabilia as he could find. We all have to have a passion about something, right? But sometimes it's best not take your crazy and drag it out on the front lawn for all the neighbors passing by to see. If you look closely you can play a fun game of "find the bronze" Jesus.

Wine Tasting Ghetto Style

2009-03-14T06:30:00.000-07:00

There are two wine stores in our neighborhood we frequent. Hunter’s Point Wines is run by a great guy, Paul. The other is geographically convenient to the subway and used when “Oh crap, I forgot wine.” The latter is frequented mostly by last minute party goers and alcoholics who can get a good deal on Popov in the little bottles. Paul invites vintners in to host tastings in a special back room. The other place offers reduced fat white cheddar cheese on paper plates with toothpicks. But at least they are the fancy toothpicks.

Free Baby with Purchase, Now at CB2!

2009-03-13T03:52:00.000-07:00

I snapped this picture at CB2. I can’t decide which is better. The guy taking the nap on the couch? Or that he left his baby in the baby stroller so he could take said nap? Either way, nice work there, Pop.

Clip Me Baby One More Time

2009-03-12T04:15:00.000-07:00

This week I heard the CMO of Google at the Integrated Marketing conference in Chicago. He dropped some riveting news on us. Until this month “Britney Spears” was the most searched for term in Google history. Thanks to the recession the ex-Mrs. Federline was replaced by “coupon’. Yes, world, we officially care more about clipping coupons than Britney shaving her head. Congratulations. We have seen the silver lining in our recession. We aren't the vapid tools Google once thought we were. Thank goodness we are no longer being judged.

Do you blame the child or the parent?

2009-03-10T05:38:00.000-07:00

People never cease to amaze me. Maybe, being from the Midwest, we were just raised differently? Or with manners? Or just know better. On a recent trek through Bed, Bath and Beyond on 6th Avenue we had just finished perusing the ShamWows, and Snuggies, and were making our way to picture frames. Yes, I too, am a purveyor of infomercial crap. “EXCUSE ME!...MOVE IT!...I SAID EXCUSE ME!” came two feet below me and with a shove to the back of my legs. Some snot-nosed brat was forcing his way through the aisle as his mother walked 5 feet in front of him, saying nothing. Even better, he wasn’t looking up at the havoc he was causing as he pushed past us and the other shoppers. He was playing his PSP. So, to everyone out there who are teaching your children to act appropriately, my hat goes off to you. For everyone who thought a PSP would make a great babysitter, you’re wrong. Very wrong!

Spring has Sprung...and so did Marcus.

2009-03-09T06:32:00.000-07:00

Ah, the first day of warm weather in the city. You can bet on a few things. First, there will be many people wearing revealing clothing who look like extras from Twilight, No sun for 3 months + anxious New Yorkers + clueless tourists=inappropriately clad zombie mobs wandering the streets.

Saturday was errands at our place. At West Elm my boyfriend and I played “I know that guy looks familiar” for a good 20 minutes about a good-looking 20 something scrolling through his iPhone and looking annoyed. He was sitting on a couch display and had his feet on the coffee table. Really? You don’t need to test drive a coffee table do you? When he jumped up to greet his tardy friend, pearls fell out of his mouth as he squealed, “Where have you been?” Oh yes, that’s Charlie from the last season of Survivor. Yes, the one who had the awkward “We have a real connection” crush on Marcus, the straight guy whose sticks and berries fell out of his shorts during a competition.

Hello Mrs. Robinson!

2009-03-07T05:11:00.001-08:00

Coming back from the gym I ran into Mr. Dustin Hoffman. Sorry about the quality. It's not easy trying to maintain your cool and snap a picture on an iPhone.

It's like living in Disneyland!

2009-03-07T04:48:00.000-08:00

Living in New York you are rarely surprised. Scaffolds collapse, blown out steam pipes burst open city streets, and you'll pass at least one oddly dressed homeless person or transvestite somewhere along your day. It's all part of the city. But the blow-up mascots always make me laugh. On my way to work I was lucky enough to meet The Texas Grill chicken. Another famous balloon to keep an eye out for is an 8' blow up rat that labor unions inflate at the scene of any dispute. Seeing one of these characters is the New York equivalent of running into Mickey Mouse at the Japanese pagoda at Epcot.

Macro-Economics I can understand

2009-03-06T04:07:00.000-08:00

My friend, Bryan sent me this explanation as to what the hell is happening to our economy. I took a whole year of macro and micro economics and still don't understand where all the money went. I guess the moral of the story is the money was never there to begin with. Enjoy!

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively. 
A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral. At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items. 
One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due to his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. However they cannot pay back the debts. 
Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy. DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%. The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. 
Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor. 
The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties. 
The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied against the non-drinkers. Finally, an explanation I understand.

What the Hell?

2009-03-05T03:54:00.001-08:00

Sorry folks, the holidays got away from me. But I'm back and bitchier than ever. For those of you who wanted to know, here's where I've been since my last post. Yes, it has been two months. Stop being angry. It wasn't you. It was me.

The Quick & Dirty

Hosted Thanksgiving Dinner

Saw the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade from the Macy's side of the street

Visited our friends place in the Poconos

Hosted my best friend Keith for a week. He learned to hate our Aero bed.

Watched while Keith nursed a woman back to health who fell down a flight of stairs in aforementioned Poconos

Hosted a work party at our apartment

Drank gluewhine at my sister and her husband's St. Nickolaus party

Went to our holiday work luncheon (it used to be a party, but George Bush fucked up the economy)

Drove to Canada in a blizzard to spend Christmas with my boyfriend's family

Snuck too much liquor back through the Canadian border

Saw Liza Minelli at The Palace Theatre

Went to a cheese class at Murray's Cheese Shop in the Village

Spent New Year's Eve waiting for a cab and eating raclette back at my sister's place.

Realized that I spent the past three months of my life eating and drinking like it was my job

Started a new workout/healthy eating routine

Went to Las Vegas for my best friend's 40th Birthday

Had dinner at a Thomas Keller restaurant

Went to Wicked on Broadway. It's still great after 5 years.

Visited my family in Oregon and met my new neice, Harlow. Yes, like Nicole Ritchie's baby.

Hung wallpaper for the first time, only to realize why people get paid lots of money to do it.

Avoided giving anything up for Lent.

Wrote an article for my friend's site that got me back in the blogging mood. Thanks Jen.

So, now that you're all caught up, please join me as I continue to celebrate the good things in life, bitch about the stupid, and inevitably get really pissed about what I can't change.

Embarrassment of Riches

2008-11-21T03:55:00.000-08:00

Tuesday night I attended the Ad Council dinner at the Waldorf Astoria. They were honoring Jeff Immelt, the CEO of GE. Brian Williams from NBC was the moderator; and Fantasia was the entertainment for the night. Doesn't that sound like a perfectly exciting night out in Manhattan?

It was for everyone but the audience. I was completely dismayed by the hundreds of people who sat there and couldn't care less at the talent and skill on the stage. It makes me worry that one day I'll be as unimpressed as some of them.

Goodbye my love

2008-11-09T05:52:00.000-08:00

Of course I am pleased that Obama won! Who wouldn't be? Oh, that's right, 48% of the country who voted for McCain. I guess we now get to see how much of a community organizer he really is. Though Palin thought that wasn't necessarily a valid trait in a President. She just assumed that once you get in office everyone does what you say. Isn't that the Maverick George Bush style we have come to know and hate the past 8 years? Well, Sarah it's all over. Let us know how Wasilla is in the winter, will you? It reminds me of Azkaban or Siberia. Ironic, don't you think?

While there will always be too many jokes to count, or moments we just stood there scratching our heads and waiting for Ashton Kutcher to pop his head around the corner, this site always made me laugh. PalinAsPresident.com.

VOTE

2008-11-03T17:48:00.000-08:00

Just vote tomorrow. Please. Personally, I'm ready for change. But please do it tomorrow. Otherwise, you don't get to bitch about a single thing for the next four years.

The Big Idea Conference

2008-10-31T04:16:00.000-07:00

This year I had the chance to see speakers from around the country talk about big ideas at Ad Age's The Idea Conference. The concept seems simple enough. But these are the guys (women were notably absent from the guest list) who really did have a simple idea and actually made it happen. It's so inspiring. Each year I walk out of the conference thinking:

1. I want to make a bigger impact in the world.

2. Damn, why didn't I think of that?

3. It was so simple.

4. They all had one obsessive and myopic vision.

The guest list this year included:

Blake Mycoksie started Toms Shoes. For every pair you buy he donates one to a child in Argentina.

Grant Achatz, while a little full of himself, at 33 has worked at Charlie Trotter and Per Se, then created the most well-thought out restaurant in history, Alinea. It's beautiful.

Frank Weber of Chevrolet introduced everyone to Volt, the world's first car with mass production plans.

Eric Ryan started Method cleaning supplies. You know, the cool looking ones you see in Target? Yeah, he did that.

Alan Cross bored me with his "end of the earth" shock jock style. I got out of it that we need to figure out a better way to do music. I'm sure if you buy his books or CD's he has the answer. Maybe he and McCain should get together, solve the digital rights issues, cure cancer and find Osama Bin Laden.

Tom Szaky turns trash into recycled products. I still want an Oreo Double Stuffed Trapper Keeper.

Jason Anello, an ideologist from Yahoo! spent most of the time telling disconnected stories and jokes. I still don't understand why they invested in creating 20 purple bikes with cameras on them.

DJ Earworm whole heartedly admitted to not creating music, but just mashing up what others had done. It sounded cool.

A Weekend in Big D

2008-10-28T03:31:00.000-07:00

I was MIA for a few days visiting my friend Keith in Dallas. I got in after a bumpy 3:50 American Airlines flight. We split a bottle of Becker Vineyard Claret. The Texas vineyard is a frequent choice for White House state dinners. But we drank it anyway.

Friday we began our weekend celebrating the Texas suburbs with a trip to Southlake Shopping Center and a tour of local real estate--a 5000 square foot home, complete with elevator, in-law quarters and a two car garage, all for $800k. We finished off the afternoon with mani/pedis and a trip to Crate and Barrel. We finished off the evening meeting our friends Lori and Charles for dinner at Up-n'-Smoke. On the menu they bill themselves as BBQ restaurant and Motosports Bar. Ah yeah. Delicious BBQ that came with corn fritters, onion rings, jalepeno poppers, BMX bike racing and tangy margaritas.

Saturday we joined our friend Lori as she judged the doggie costume contest. I was busy judging the owners. After lunch we hit the gym and finished the evening off at Joe T. Garcia's. It's a Mexican food megaplex serving only beef or chicken fajitas or cheese enchiladas. That seems to be working for them as they used a half football field for their outdoor dining space.

All in all, I had a great weekend. I'm still not sure I am ready to leave New York. But it's nice to know what's out there if the time is right.

Give me a f***ing break!

2008-10-23T05:33:00.000-07:00

If the conservative Christian (and I use that term loosely) base supporting "families" with Proposition 8 in California spent half their time and energy preserving their own marriages, the divorce rate in the state would be somewhere less than 50%.

Last night I went on their hate-monger site to watch a video featuring two parents in a poorly produced interview with Bella Lugosi's ugly little brother. They ranted about how their child was exposed to a book about two princes who got married. How horrifying! They might convince children to become gay.

As a gay man who is all grown up, I can say it was not traumatizing having spent my life exposed to man-woman stories about love. Romeo and Juliet didn't scare me. Mary and Joseph did a fine job as parents. And even Ross and Rachel's story was entertaining. But learning about their relationships in church, school and home did not affect my outcome.

Living in New York City I forget how insulated I am. The uneducated exist en masse. And their fear and stupidity force them to act out against things they don't have the capacity to understand.

Food Blogs

2008-10-22T03:51:00.001-07:00

I've been obsessed with food for forever. But lately I've been on the hunt for food blogs. Here are a few of my new faves:

Italian Cooking & Living.com

Thekitchn.com

Half Assed Kitchen.com

Bread & Honey.com

Food Network

My favorite innovation comes from Half Assed Kitchen. They have a recipe for microwavable chocolate cake that you make in a coffee mug!

New Look and Feel

2008-10-21T05:08:00.000-07:00

Yes, I decided to change things up around here. And for those of you who want to get the 411 on when I'm updating, subscribe to the right. I've added the subscription feature.

You've Got Mail...and critters!

2008-10-20T17:55:00.000-07:00

There is a new web site that allows you to e-mail anonymously past sex partners to let them know you've been diagnosed with an STD. www.inspot.org allows you to pick your greeting card ala e-greetings and send it anonymously. My favorite feature though is the fill in the blank portion; where, from a drop down menu, you can choose your STD. Really? I chose crabs and scabies for my trial run. If you have had your junk in someone else's mouth, I think you should be able to pick up the phone and let them know you left something there.

Crotchety Crosswalk

2008-10-20T04:20:00.000-07:00

The other day while walking to work I stopped at 43rd and 3rd for a red light. Everyone else around me was doing the same. Then a pregnant woman walked into on coming traffic. When a car honked at the lady in the intersection, she turned to him with an "are you kidding me?" face and pointed to her belly. Hey lady! I don't know if they told you, but you're carrying a baby, not a get out of jail free card.

CBS Flopping Ratings

2008-10-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how valid this is, but it sure is fun to hope it's true. According to the post CBS accidentally aired a non-edited version of an X-Rated survivor. For anyone watching the show, the relationship between Charlie and Marcus is awkward enough. Charlie is at home watching this thinking, "OY! I acted like a 12 year old school girl." Charlie (gay) and Marcus (not so gay) have been buddy-buddy since Day 1. But Charlie is wrought with "deep feelings" for Marcus. Again, this is how a lot of late night films have started.

Fenway Virgin

2008-10-19T14:42:00.001-07:00

This week I found myself in Boston the same night as Game 4 of the MLB playoff game between Tampa Bay and The Red Sox. We made our way to our seats (Rock Star seats courtesy of Fox, I might add) where my friend Meg and I mowed through chicken fingers, sausage and countless plastic cups of beer. At the top of the 7th inning our traveling companion had us relocate to Jillian's, down the street. The Red Sox were down 7-0, so we imagined this to be a good way to salvage the evening. Once we got there the game took a quick turn for the better. They ended up coming back to win the game and score the second biggest comeback in post-season history. That will teach me to leave a game early!

Bad Blogger! Bad Bad Blogger

2008-10-18T05:09:00.001-07:00

I just realized it has been exactly one month since last I blogged. If I do this again I'll do something crazy embarrassing for all the people who call me on it.

Falling for a stock

2008-09-18T07:05:00.001-07:00

Everyone has different ways of dealing with the financial crisis (keep an eye out behind the reporter). This is the best I've seen so far.

I can't imagine why the financial sector sucks.

2008-09-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

For anyone who has ever bought a place, you know it takes a lot of time, patience and access to money. On the day of our closing, all was going well. Our hands were cramping from all of the signatures on pieces of paper we'll never see again. Our lawyer was making snide comments at his lawyer; and getting jealous that their lawyer made more than he did. Again, all was right in the world. But then the kicker came. In a phone call we found out that our bank never wired the money. After countless frantic phone calls we got a Wells Fargo representative on the phone who told us, "we're sorry. We forgot to send the it." That's like a heart surgeon forgetting to put the new heart back in. I stepped into the hallway to unleash a wrath and fury so great it made the locusts look like a welcome house guest. We finally closed, but it will never be with Wells Fargo again!

Delta's Response

2008-09-07T14:33:00.000-07:00

Needless to say, I won't be flying Delta much anymore. The form letter response was not what I was looking for.

Thank you for your e-mail describing your recent experience with Delta. We apologize for the inconvenience and appreciate your taking the time to share the details.

I?m sorry we could not confirm your upgrade at this time. A variety of factors determine if and when a customer receives an upgrade, including Medallion status, the fare paid and seat availability. We monitor every flight carefully to ensure upgrades are provided to our most loyal members. At the same time, we need to be sure that other customers are well positioned to purchase these premium seats in order to maintain a financially viable airline.

Please be advised that the SkyMiles program offers one of the most generous programs of all airlines. We provide unlimited, complimentary domestic upgrades to Medallion members as well as international upgrades to our Platinum Medallion members

Our goal is to make your travel experience as smooth and enjoyable as possible, and we regret you didn?t receive the high level of service we strive to provide. Our airport representatives and our Reservations Sales representatives are expected to always be responsive, and offer precise, complete information. It sounds like that didn?t happen in this case, and we will continue to make efforts to improve in this area.

Again, thank you for writing. We appreciate your selection of Delta and will always welcome the opportunity to be of service.

Sincerely,

Michael P. Jones Manager Customer Care

Customer Service Debacle--Delta Airlines

2008-09-04T04:32:00.000-07:00

I thought about writing an entire month's worth of the bad customer service stories in one fell swoop. In the past month I have bought a new place, flown to Oregon and watched my computer crash like my 401K balance. But after watching Sarah Palin last night tell us that the war on Iraq was nothing more than an act of God and subsequently seeing a convention hall of old white folks jump to their feet in guilt-free ovation, I decided to just dole it out in digestible pieces.

After "speaking" with Simon, their customer service rep in Bangladesh, he told me I could upgrade using points at the ticket counter. The ticket counter agent told me I had to go to the gate. The gate agent told me that I couldn't upgrade at all. Apparently, I hadn't paid enough for my ticket. And as her manager told me, upgrading you wouldn't be very good for Delta. I'll keep you posted on their response to my letter to their cusotmer service department.

The oldest profession since carpentry

2008-08-21T01:19:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I wrote my brother-in-law a check for a pair of theatre tickets he had bought us. Last week he received a call from his bank branch manager, letting him know that they would be unable to process the check, citing that it was unpresentable. When he inquired further as to what unpresentable meant, he was faced with a strange question, "Sir, do you know that prostitution is illegal in the state of New York?" As a joke, I had written the check with a purple glitter pen; and in the memo line of the check had written "For Cheap Sex". Hence, the unpresentable prostitution. Moving forward I will scribe my checks in black or blue, and include information in the memo line as clean a double-entendre I can find--For the best service I've ever received.

How low can you go?

2008-08-17T06:22:00.000-07:00

The Chicago Tribune is taking on the hard-hitting stories this Olympic season. And no topic is of greater controversy than Michael Phelps' swimsuit. Thank you for going so deep on this topic Vicki Ortiz. 4 more inches and you might have a job at Playgirl.

Take a peek at their photo gallery. And just so all of you online daters and chat-room cruisers are crystal clear, this is the definition of a swimmer's build.

It's not my fault...It's the beer goggles

2008-08-15T04:05:00.000-07:00

Yes, I had my 20's. And yes, in those 20's there may have existed the one-night stands. There were those fun times. We'll leave it at that. And then there were the Coyote Ugly nights. Rather than gnaw off my own arm in lieu of waking the catastrophe next to me, I stammered through lame departure excuses. That's just the kind of upstanding guy I am. But now I have an excuse for lapse in judgment.

Beer Goggles are Real!

Yes, those crazy scientists in England fed booze to half of the 84 college students in their lab experiment and showed them pictures of people. The boozy co-eds found the people in the pictures hotter. And yes, that included people of the same sex. Which leads us to the other well-known adage that has now come true,

The difference between a straight man and a gay man is a six pack.

Thank you Britain. Now would someone please tell David Beckham I have a six-pack waiting for him when ever he is ready.

Oh no she di-uhn't!

2008-08-09T04:15:00.000-07:00

Last night my boyfriend, his parents, and I went to John's Pizzeria in Times Square. I got there early and waited at the bar. Three ladies in their late 50's, clad in stretch pants and Hard Rock New York t-shirts waited for the bartender to pour their apple martinis. I safely assumed they were in from out of town. Then on their $27 drink tab, the ladies left the guy one dollar....in nickels.

Happy Birthday!!

2008-08-07T05:20:00.001-07:00

Today is my sister's birthday. And I found this cool new software, Smilebox on Hallmark.com. They have definitely taken e-cards to the next level.

Make a Smilebox postcard

Addicted to Intervention

2008-08-05T18:43:00.001-07:00

For anyone looking to feel better about themselves, I highly recommend an hour with A&E. Intervention is a documentary-style in-depth fly-on-the-wall look at addiction. It's not the Lifetime Traci Gold made-for-TV-movie kind of special. It's the type of show where they aren't afraid to show you Asa, the alcoholic bulimic, vomiting macaroni pie into his mother's toilet. I recommend it because it's one of the most honest and gripping hours of television you're going to find. I dare you. I double-dog dare you. Sit through an hour of Gossip Girl. Then watch an episode of Intervention. I even triple-dog dare you to tell me you don't find yourself staring at your television with your jaw unexplainably agape.

May the Peace of the Lord Be With You..

2008-08-04T07:46:00.000-07:00

My daily commute takes me down to the station in Long Island City. It was a normal day in Gotham. The friendly AM Metro guy was dispensing his wares, "AM Metro...AM Metro..." and standing next to a woman in her late 20's who looked like she would blend in with the morning commute.

She was screaming angrily at the top of her lungs, "Jesus Christ loves you! Jesus Saves!" over and over again.

Okay. But if he loves me so much, why is he screaming at me? And can the poor Metro guy get a break?

What keeps me up?

2008-08-03T18:57:00.000-07:00

I'll be the first one to admit that I have neurotic tendencies. Tendencies may be a polite word for it. But to make myself feel better I like to believe everyone has their own list. But here are the things I fret over every day:

1.) Should I be playing Wii or writing something creative?

2.) Why don't I go to the gym more?

3.) Does everyone have a cocktail every day?

4.) Should I be spending as much as I do on eating out?

5.) Do I save enough?

6.) And the question I think everyone I know struggles with...Am I doing enough?

Flat Out Stalkers

2008-08-02T04:39:00.000-07:00

We are deep in the lunacy of moving. For anyone who has ever done it, you know the feeling of waking up every morning freaked out you still have so much to do. On the list is hiring movers. I got a rate quote from Flat Rate. Their claim to fame is outstanding customer service and No Hidden Fees. Interesting. I was assigned a quote specialist who told me "Hello, my name is Stephen. Before we get started today, I just want you to know that I highly recommend you make your reservation with me today. Otherwise, nothing I say can be guaranteed." I want to live life with those standards. If you don't do exactly as I say, I can't promise you anything. So we went through the questionnaire process. At one point he tells me that an apartment of our size should have 10-15 boxes. We're half way through packing and I'm already staring at 25 cardboard soldiers. So I ask him what happens if we have more than 10-15. And of course, that's no problem. We'll just have to charge you extra for each box. Now, that sounds a little like a hidden fee. But nothing crazy unexpected. Since our initial phone call 4 days ago I have received at least 8 phone calls and 2 e-mails each day asking me if I have made my decision. Unless you really want to use Flat Rate, do NOT give them your real phone number.

Sorting out our Sordid Lives

2008-07-30T20:04:00.000-07:00

You know how you have those nights? Those nights where everyone is laughing and drinking and having a good time? The next day you can all just look at one another and smile because you know that you shared something. The first time I watched Sordid Lives I was in love--big gay campy love. Now that Logo went and made a series of it, I have that feeling like I should Coyote Ugly the show-- just gnaw off my arm, rather than wake the horrid crowd of actors pretending to excite the masses of Sordid Lives lovers. It's sad.

Quote of the Milenium

2008-07-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

I am planning my brother's bachelor party. I'm not well-versed in the task, but as my brother-in-law reminded me, "it's all about beer, boobies and cards." Words to live by. I talked to my brother about what he wanted to do for the night, but he didn't have a lot of input. However, when I asked him if it was appropriate to ask his friends to chip in 30 bucks each for a limo for the night he replied, "Ummm...well, that's like two lap dances. I think they'd rather drive drunk." I have no response.

Wal-Mart is the Most Smartest

2008-07-28T17:18:00.000-07:00

They have the most impressive toasters. It can even keep your ass warm.

Luau Extravaganza

2008-07-27T06:34:00.000-07:00

Friday Night we went to Water Taxi Beach for a luau-themed birthday party. Yes, it was mine. This is not my first time raving about the place. But this time was just as great. From the perfect weather to the best cheeseburger I think I've ever had, the place was perfect. Friends and neighbors all got together. Come before 8 and there's no cover. Plus you get a table that overlooks Manhattan. Thanks to everyone who showed up that night. It was a blast.

Oh, for Hee-Haw's sake

2008-07-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

New York Magazine Approval Matrix is the smart man's Best Week Ever. They take the week's events and place it on a grid. Highbrow-Lowbrow on one axis are plotted against Brilliant-Despicable. Tucked down in the Lowbrow/Despicable corner was a picture of a billboard that read, Please Don't Vote for a Democrat. Clicking on the link leads you to a song and music video by the same name. In addition to being a horrible excuse for a song, it just breeds ignorance and intolerance I've come to associate with many of my Arkansas relatives. Take a peek and sit in awe.

My favorite new drink!

2008-07-20T05:28:00.000-07:00

With all of the hype surrounding the new features of the i-Phone (all of which are well-deserved), my favorite new app is i-Beer. It turns your i-phone into a virtual beer glass. Using the motion sensor technology you actually drink your beer, as you tilt the glass. And, because at heart we are all big teenagers, it finishes the glass with a big belch. My inner 14 year-old thanks you.

FEMA-tards

2008-07-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

Nearly two years ago an article was posted notifying FEMA and the Katrina displaced inhabitants of the FEMA trailers that they were toxic. Yes, filled with formaldehyde, the toxins were seeping into the lungs and blood streams of people who had just lost everything. Thanks Geoge Bush. And thanks to our penny-pinching government, thousands of people were "protected" by tin boxes glued together with toxic chemicals.

Fast forward two years....a few weeks ago the makers of the trailers were brought before Congress. Wouldn't it be noble for them to own up to their misgivings? Right. In true corporate spirit the makers of the trailers told Congress that because there were no federal standards for formaldehyde concentration, it was not their fault. Oh, hell no. What are you 5 years old?

August Osage County

2008-06-22T06:53:00.000-07:00

As an aspiring playwright I was absolutely in awe of August: Osage County. We were lucky enough to have gotten tickets prior to their Tony sweep Monday night. I joked going into the theatre that it was strange paying $110 to see a dysfunctional Midwest family. Was 18 years not enough? But from the awkward opening monologue to the final twist I was riveted. Estelle Parsons is fascinating as the pill-popping matriarch. Most of us grew to love her as Rosanne's mom. But you'll really learn to love her as an actress here. The other stunning performance was by Amy Morton, a Steppenwolf alum who has justly left Halsted for Broadway. I loved seeing her years ago. But not as much as last night. Three hours later my jaw was still on the floor. If you get the chance, go. Good theatre should move you. It does. Now go.

Children should not be served hot towels!

2008-06-17T19:33:00.000-07:00

Come on. Really? Yes, I am bitching. Flying business class is usually a treat. Free meal, open bar and comfy chairs--it's the stuff you enjoy when work has convinced you to fly three time zones to baby sit clients on the weekend. But the wild-haired spawn who keeps kicking my chair is making it difficult to enjoy my overcooked omelette. Yes, this is my inner yuppie speaking. But if I'm spending five hours on easy street, I don't want the hooligans from Sesame street wrecking my lumbar. And should children be allowed to fly in business class in the first place? Wasn't it created for business travelers to prepare for work? When children land they won't be leading meetings with multi-national organizations. I highly doubt their teachers will worry that they look weary after a cross-country flight. But we live in America and are not allowed to discriminate against age. Fine. I aqueous. But shouldn't their parents be responsible for their behavior? Ah, now we're talking. In my situation Madison (my rear-seated amigo) had two capable parents sitting across the aisle doing nothing. She slept. He read the paper. It's a caste and classist system that makes no sense. To respect their rights as business travelers our flight attendent referees said nothing. So, at the end of the day, I order a drink and decide to let it go. Someday Madision will be back in business class. It may be months, but probably years. And someone will sit behind her and kick her seat from one coast to the other. I sure hope it can be me.

I smell urine.

2008-06-07T05:19:00.000-07:00

I love New York in the summer. Except for today. Today is going to be 93 degrees. In extreme heat New Yorkers turn into a large and writhing band of moist people, all wearing fewer clothes than they should on their "not quite summer prepped" pasty skin. When my mother visits each summer she comes prepared to face the subways and heat with a big bottle of Purell. The first time she got into a NY taxi in the middle of summer she could only say as politely as possible, "Oh god! I smell urine." Sadly, the whole city is baked into a dog pee biscuit today. She won't be visiting.

What kind of donkey are you?

2008-06-03T19:50:00.000-07:00

As the end of the Democratic primary nears an end, Hilary is getting ready to make herself comfy in the bitch seat. Whether she takes the Veep position is yet to be determined. But as we move into the general election, I do find this to be an interesting time. For a few months every four years we all tend to gravitate to conversations that revolve around Washington DC and our future. Lindsay Lohan gets a little less play at the dinner table and Condoleeza's name is pronounced correctly (for the first time in 8 years actually). Yes, for a little bit of time we are all a little smarter and think that we have our nation's future figured out.

New Sex Same City

2008-06-02T17:51:00.000-07:00

This weekend we went to see Sex and The City. I gotta tell ya, the movie did not disappoint. From the opening sequence when Carrie pays homage to her now-famous flower addiction to the last scene when the girls relive their Cosmo passion, every frame was delish. *Spoiler Alert* The movie threw in every single thing you wanted to see--Steve-O's butt, Smith's abs and Samantha's new neighbor, Dante's uncut inferno. They did an excellent job of making sure the 2:15 wasn't filled with fluff. We got to dig a little deeper and explore the girl's emotions. Even Kristin Davis got to show more than that one troubled emotion we have all come to love. Her breakdown in the middle of 42n street is classic. But mostly the movie made me reflect on my own life. Which of the girl's am I most like?

Curbed, That Dog!

2008-06-02T17:45:00.001-07:00

As we are impatiently waiting for the completion of our condo (I know, you're all tired of hearing me talk about it. I'm sorry, it will happen someday.) I have become quite engaged with the digital world of New York real estate. My favorite is Curbed.com. It's the city-wide blog of the latest and greatest updates to the local market. I'm also a new and active member of our new condo's Google group. It's my first time Google Grouping. The security is high and future tenants tempers are even higher. Misery does love company. We are not the only ones with delayed closings. I can't imagine why Toll Bros. stock is down again.

Is the meter running for this crap?

2008-05-30T06:09:00.000-07:00

Last night on my way home from work I witnessed another classic New York moment. A man in a light-colored suit on one corner of 45th and 3rd and a well-to-do woman, mid 50's with the requisite East side helmet coife, and her mother were all waiving for a single cab coming down the cross street. The cabbie pulls up and the man hops in his side of the car. The woman and her mother cross the street, not having seen the man get in already. The daughter pulls open the car door and shocked to see someone in the cab begins screaming at the man. How dare he steal cabs from women, she blared. She then pulled out the old lady card. "My mother is terribly ill and needs this cab, " she wailed. The look of surprise on her mother's face told us she was in fine health. At last resort the woman got in the back of the cab, assuming she would stage an impromptu sit in. Her mother just stood there and shook her head. When I left the scene the cab driver had gotten out of the cab to ask the woman to get out. Mother was seated against the side of the cab, obviously weary from the scene. Hey, New York, it's okay to admit that you're wrong every once in awhile.

The World Has Turned Upside Down

2008-05-28T19:19:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school I worked at Wendy's. It wasn't glamorous. But I learned some pretty valuable lessons in customer service. However, that lack of glitz is what motivated me to do something more with my life. Fast forward 18 years to a glitch in the space/time continuum. The world as we know it in 2008 has officially turned upside down. In my travels the past two weeks I was chastised as a customer and belittled by people on the other side of the service counter. The first time it happened at a Dunkin' Donuts. Apparently I didn't order my coffee quickly enough. This went against the way Malik decided he wanted to work that day. "Sir, if you don't know what you're doing, I can't get you coffee." That was his response to my request for a Grande coffee. My bad. I forgot this wasn't the big green coffee giant. Eventually, I had to apologize for my mistake and he begrudgingly got my java. Later that day, on a trip through O'hare airport TSA Agent Ruiz #4906 took out his lack of coffee on the line of people who weren't moving fast enough. He stood up behind his podium and screamed "Move it! Do not just stand here or I will have you arrested!" Really? Seriously? You'll have me arrested for not understanding your cryptic grunts? My favorite part is when the woman behind me apologized. I guess we all say what we need to stupid people to get through the day and our coffee. I still hate stupid people.

Too much whirl in my whirlwind weekend

2008-05-18T21:16:00.001-07:00

I knew going into the weekend it was jam packed. I had dinner with my sister, her husband and a bunch of their friends on Friday night at Citrus on the Upper West Side. The company was lovely. The Patron was chilled. And my taco sampler left a bit to be desired. Saturday was our day of errands, while Saturday night was our night of refuge. We got up this morning and made our car reservations for my friend's daughter's Bat Mitzvah. About 4:00 I got an IM from her asking us "What Happened??" That's never good. I checked the invitation and low and behold I had got the wrong date. It was Saturday night, not Sunday.

It was like a kick in the gut and iCal all at the same time. I'm known for my punctuality and timeliness. So a royal screw up like this is totally out of character. I hope she at least likes her gift.

A beautiful evening in Chicago

2008-05-18T21:10:00.000-07:00

I was in Chicago for work last week. I always hate the 30 hour jaunts to my old home town. I have the constant debate of who do I call and what do I do? I was leading a band of 7 people from the NY office to my city of broad shoulders. So I only called one friend for my second night in town. The first night I took the work kids to Bin 36. It's like a fancy wine bar popped up in a Whole Foods. We first started out with the grand daddy of cheese plates. 15, no seriously 15 types of cheeses for the table to share. Even more impressive was it came in at a mere $36. I've been in New York too long.

You can take the girl out of Kentucky...

2008-05-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

After visiting the art show today we made our way down Van Brunt street to Tini's for brunch. On our way we made a quick trip by LeNell's Wine and Likker store. Please see the picture to know I'm not misspelling the name of the whiskey shack. Proving themselves successful at sticking to their Kentucky roots, LeNell's sported a wide selection of American whiskey, a bathtub filled with bargain-basement gin bottles and corn whiskey sold in a sealed mason jar. The visit was capped off by LeNell herself dropping the F-bomb all over the store as she tried to deal with an over heating computer system. Our friend Brian offered help for he problems. After he left, she screamed to the person on the phone, "Some guy was just in here telling us what the F to do with our system. What the hell makes him a genius with computers?" Well, actually LeNell, his PHD from Rutgers. That's what makes him a genius.

Brooklyn Artist's Waterfront Coalition

2008-05-10T21:31:00.000-07:00

Today we ventured south to Red Hook via Dumbo where my friend Elizabeth was showing some of her art work at the BAWC. We started with brunch at Bubby's. It was a long haul south, but well worth it. Bubby has French Toast to make a fat girl cry and a wait staff that was most probably stoned. Afterward we headed on down to Red Hook. The show was fun. The art was great and reasonably priced. If you get a chance, definitely head over that way.

L.A. Tour Continues

2008-05-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

Thursday night we gathered for cocktails poolside at the Hyatt Regency Century City. It's a pretty good representation of all I expected from the City of Angels. We started with Patron gimlets by the pool. Our friend Pam's friend showed up. Gabby is the wife of the lead singer of Deep Purple. She told us about a new show he is working on. Afterwards we met our friend at AOC (pictured) for dinner. She is the head of marketing for Perez Hilton. She's one of the nicest people on record. The food and wine at AOC is amazing. If you go, try the bacon wrapped dates and skirt steak. It washes down well with the Tannat.

LA Premiere Party

2008-05-10T21:10:00.000-07:00

It's not often that I get to hob-nob with the LA jet set. My boyfriend and I got to attend the premiere of The Andromeda Strain last Wednesday. The first 1/2 of the movie was great. It premieres on Memorial Day weekend on A&E. We got to cold chill with the kids in the picture. Daniel Dae Kim looks great. Eric McCormack looks great in botox. Afterward we ran into Johnny Fairplay on the street on the way to The Standard. All in all, these New York boys held their own on the streets of La-la-land.

B. R. Guest-ronomical Catastrophe

2008-05-04T19:51:00.000-07:00

Last night I took my best friend and boyfriend to Dos Caminos at 50th & 3rd avenue. Wow! I have yet to be at a restaurant in NYC that didn't have a redeeming quality. Our margaritas were made with tequila and as the menu read "squirt soda". I thought that meant "a squirt of soda". Nope. They really mixed tequila with Squirt grapefruit flavored soda. That is the type of cocktail ingenuity reserved for college dorms and crack whores whose Sterno has run out. Those excuses for booze were followed by an over-salted round of entrees and tasteless guacamole. I'd like to send a special shout out to my friend, Miss Rosa Mexicano. I will never forsake thou again.

The highlight of our dinner was leaving the restaurant and going to Tasti-Dlite for dessert. Thank goodness for frozen chemicals.

Asia de Cuba Revisited

2008-04-28T20:19:00.000-07:00

I forgot my favorite salad in the entire city is at Asia de Cuba. It's the calamari salad. No really. It is fried calamari, cashes and hearts of palm tossed on fresh greens. What in the world is not to love about that? I washed it down with Patron on the rocks. Good lord, I sound like I should be selling cigars out of the back of a Model T with a drink like that. Ah well, my spring tequila kick lives on.

NY Real Estate Sucks

2008-04-27T19:53:00.001-07:00

Today we found out that our condo that was supposed to have been ready in February is now going to be closer to August. I don't know why I thought we would be the one couple in all of Manhattan who would have a good housing experience.

Being Single, Seeing Double & Sleeping Triple

2008-04-26T18:53:00.000-07:00

At long last it's finished. For the better part of 8 years I have been writing a play. It's an auto-biographical account of my life as a gay man. It's the story of three friends who fall in and out of love while doing their best to maintain their friendships. Set against a family wedding, the three must decide whether blood is thicker than vodka. And in the end, who is left to fend for themselves? Friends Or lovers?

I would have loved to have it done much sooner, but I don't think it was meant to be done any quicker. Life has a funny way of influencing fiction. I know it sounds all creepy artsy, but sometimes you don't have a lot of control over your art. Sometimes there is something bigger at work. And you're just the one hitting the keyboard.

Scrabulous is my dirty little friend

2008-04-26T18:45:00.000-07:00

It's billed as one of the most addictive games on Facebook. As a Mid-30 something I am not sure I should be wasting the most productive years of my life on faux Scrabble. But alas, I have an addictive personality. Having won 14 and lost 4 games in my career, I shouldn't really condemn those who waste the day. Honestly, it makes me feel a little smart playing word games, rather than swinging a joystick into mid-air like my Wii game playing counterparts. Oh, and did I mention I now have 167 friends on Facebook? Again, not proud. Just honest.

Skinny Girl Margarita

2008-04-25T10:38:00.001-07:00

Last weekend, while watching Real Housewives of New York City, I was introduced to the Skinny Girl Margarita. Bethenny, who looked amazingly familiar, is an organic chef who created the concoction for her carb-conscious clientele. After a little more investigation I remembered that this Reality TV two-fer had once spent a season vying for a spot as Martha Stewart's Apprentice. Perhaps where she found her penchant for Patron?

Recipe as I've jazzed it up:

4 oz of Patron--In lieu of the $58 bottle as recommended, I went with the $18 of Sauza Silver

A liberal splash of Triple Sec

1 tsp. of Splenda

1 oz of lime juice

Mix and Serve over ice

If you're South Beaching it, go for it after Week 2. Weight Watchers calls it 2 points. Dr. Atkins (God rest his slippery soul) would say bottoms up.

Hey, Epicurian, thanks for the Margie pic.

Watch Me on Oprah!

2007-07-01T17:53:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you a few things that I really believe with regard to the world around us:

1. All human beings were born with the ability to make choices.
2. Courtesy and kindness should be your first line of defense--though sometimes we forget.
3. No one will always be on your side.
4. Everyone does everything with a motive.

What I am really looking forward to as I continue this process is finding more blanket statements I can make about the world around me. I want to condense them into short, memorable quips that will inspire a self-help book I can promote on Oprah.

Then when I go on the show to promote it, she will find me fascinating. I will know that I have achieved this status when she starts repeating the last few words of everything I say in a slow and thoughtful manner; and then her audience will applaud. In my fantasy she and I go to lunch at the Ritz afterwards then go for a walk on Lake Michigan. I can only imagine she'd have a phone call with Gail at least once during the afternoon. That's okay. She can take it. It probably means she had another Josh Groban fantasy.

Water Taxi Beach

2007-06-30T05:11:00.000-07:00

Last night we went to Water Taxi Beach for the first time. It's sad that we've lived two blocks from New York City's best kept secret and have never been. If you haven't been, it's a real live beach party, complete with BBQ pit, a full bar, volleyball courts and a neon palm tree. If you're a full-fledged carnivore, the menu will have you rejoicing. Hand-pressed hamburgers, and extra-long hot dogs are menu staples. Vegetarians will be mildly saddened by the soy dogs we tried with sauerkraut. Everyone will love the hand-cut fries. I highly recommend the Circus Boy beer on tap to accompany your food. Food prices are great. $3 for each item. Drink prices are on par with the big island across the river. Tap beer was $6; and cocktails were $8.

Manhattanites and tourists alike should love this summer escape. My only bitch about this beach bar was the 2 year old who decided it would be fun to throw sand at us as we finished our beers. His mother just laughed and told us that it was his first time in sand. Really? That makes it better.

I swallowed Brenda Vaccaro

2007-06-29T04:11:00.000-07:00

Ugh! I have spent the past week getting over a cold. I assume I got it on a flight back from Toronto. Day 1--I start feeling extra tired. For some reason I always have this need to workout. It passes. Day 2--The tired part has gotten worse. I feel stuffed up, but I definitely have a very sore throat. Day 3--The little bugger has moved from the throat (which now feels like a million bucks) to my head. You would think that during the night someone snuck in and filled my head with gallons of snot. Day 4--As is famously quoted in the movie, Trick, "It buuuuurns". My chest is now the trove for green lung cookies and agony.

Today I woke up feeling much better. I spent my days hopped up on Day-Quil and agonizing over what to watch on daytime television. On Day 3 I tried to go to work. I did wake up feeling much better. But by the time I got there, I had to turn around. I went to Pinnacle on 3rd/45th Street for Chicken Soup. He ladled me up a container. When I asked the guy behind the counter if he had anything bigger, he lifted the soup terrine and said, "Will this do?" I was too tired to laugh, but it was funny nonetheless.

Penis Envy

2007-06-21T02:55:00.000-07:00

New York Magazine this month published, The Science of Gaydar, an article that sets out to answer, "If sexual orientation is biological, are the traits that make people seem gay innate, too? In the article we learn that, "An Ontario-based psychological researcher named Anthony Bogaert re-sorted Kinsey Institute data—in which 5,000 men answered detailed questions about their sex lives, practices, fantasies, and, it turns out, measurements of their erect organs—along sexual-orientation lines. Gay men’s penises were thicker (4.95 inches versus 4.80) and longer (6.32 inches versus 5.99)."

EXAMPLE A: Hair Whorl (Men)
Gay men are 3X more likely than straight men to have a counterclockwise whorl.
Photographs by Mark Mahaney

Happy Gay Pride Month

2007-06-20T17:46:00.001-07:00

I remember the first time I actually visited Stonewall. It was honestly moving. I couldn't help but think how much torture and frustration the gays of yesteryear had to endure. I think we take a lot of that for granted. Especially living in metropolitan ghettos of intelligence and acceptance, it's easy to forget there are a lot of people in the world, even in the free-thinking U.S. of A, that don't respect our culture.

So to support our cause, 'tis the season when scantily-clad gay men sport less than usual on crowded floats. And businesses across the country become gay friendly by putting rainbow flags in their window for one day out of the year. As you can imagine, I'm just a tad cynical. However, one of my favorite sites on the web, Thre adless.com got it right. They hosted a Gay Pride t-shirt contest. Check out the winner on the right. Maybe it's my profound respect for comedy, but I found this to be great!

10 Simple Rules for Dating My Subway

2007-06-15T10:18:00.000-07:00

10. Step all the way in. For the love of all that's holy, have faith that we will let you out.
9. Hold that door open for your friend one more time, and I will break your thumb.
8. If your ass can not fit in approximately one seat, please stand. There are three of us that would like to sit.
7. No, I would not like to support your basketball team, or your daughter in need of a transplant...and for God's sake, I do not want to hear your Mariachi band play.
6. There will always be another train. You can count on it. Just like taxes and death, another will come, so you don't have to body slam yourself onto this one.
5. Do not lean on the pole. First of all, you're dirty. And there are about 10 of us doing our best bumper car impersonation that could really use it.
4. Put your overpriced knock off Louis Vuitton Steamer trunk/carry-on between your legs. If it hits me in the back one more time, I will give it to the lady selling DVDs in exchange for Shrek 3.
3. Wear deodorant.
2. Closing your eyes while wearing your headphones is not the international sign for " I get to sleep on three seats while all of you stand."
1. Upon exiting the subway and getting on the escalator, stand on the right and climb on the left. Some of us do not have your extra 10 minutes each day to ascend the dirty flight in a leisurely fashion.

Ghetto Latte Spotted

2007-06-14T12:33:00.000-07:00

I had heard the rumors, but never seen one in action until this morning. I decided to swing by my Starbuck's on 3rd Avenue & 43rd Street. I was putting Splenda in my Venti Iced No-Classic Coffee and the guy next to me was making a Ghetto Latte.

According to Chicagoist.com, a Ghetto Latte is defined as, ... a double shot of espresso, asking for it in a larger cup, and then adding milk from the condiments stand. After a few seconds in the microwave, they’ve got a ghetto latte.

Having just paid $2.93 for .05 cents worth of ice, .02 cents worth of coffee, a .10cent cup and (I'll round up here) .25cents worth of service, I couldn't decide whether or not I was pissed at or jealous of him for bucking the system.

The Dog Run

2007-06-13T03:18:00.001-07:00

Daddy, why does the veterinarian need to kill Goldie?

The Food-Bribery dog trainers at the park said Goldie can't be trained and should be destroyed.

We tried the obedience classes and it only made Goldie worse.

Daddy, hire a professional dog trainer who knows how to work with dominant dogs rather than killing Goldie.

No, seriously, I found this on a web site about dog training.
_________________________________________________________________
Each night we go to the dog run; and it's a crap shoot. Much like going to a bar, there are people you avoid. At our nightly canine cotillion, it's the same concept. And last night was a bust. Miles and his owner were there. A slender man in his 50's, he sports age-inappropriate attire--cut off muscle shirts and logo T's. He calls for Miles with the same wail Jack Benny used to beckon Rochester. "Miiiiiiles. Stop humping Oscaaaaaar." He then pulls his fully erect dog off of our puppy and continues to smoke. Frustrated and annoyed, I put the leash on Oscar and asked when he and Miles might be leaving. I'd be back.

My neighbor proceeded to launch into a rant on Alpha Dog dominance and neutering. Bob Barker would be so proud. Then the crazy train arrived. As we left the oversized dog pen, he yelled, "That's why John McEnroe screamed at people. You should have your dog neutered." I don't know how to tell crazy that he was trying to control the pet population; not decrease canine aggression. My work is never done.

Family Guy Video

2007-06-12T02:01:00.001-07:00

My sister sent me this link the other day. Like most Family Guy episodes, it means little to the untrained eye, but makes me laugh.

Tuk Tuk, Tony & Tony

2007-06-11T05:05:00.000-07:00

Last night my boyfriend, his mother and I had dinner at Tuk Tuk. This is the best thai food I have found in New York City. We have yet to eat there that the food wasn't hot, fresh and delicious. For anyone visiting Long Island City it's an affordable Thai must. Last night I splurged and had the Pineapple Fried Rice. Wednesday night is BYOB; or there's a $10 corking charge. Otherwise, they have a succinct wine list. Try the $5 Malbec over the more expensive glasses of Merlot or Pinot. You'll be glad you did.

We got home and settled in for the Tony Awards last night. I won't bore you with who won what. But there were no major upsets. I do think I'll have to see Grey Gardens and Spring Awakening. Other than the amazing performers, they had these awkward show bumpers by famous people trying to incorporate the phrase, "a little bit of Broadway in all of us." Derek Jeter only knows Broadway because it's on the route to his favorite stripper club.

Then we watched the season finale of The Sopranos. I'm still processing. I'll report more later.

Company on Broadway

2007-06-10T13:57:00.001-07:00

Last night we went to see Company on Broadway. If you haven't seen it, go. However, make sure you are either with friends or very secure in your relationship.

While most musicals take you on a joyous jaunt through life, Company actually poses tough questions about marriage. Specifically, the show questions if any marriage is actually worth it.

Raul Esparza is great when he's not channeling the cockiness and suave of Harry Connick Jr. My boyfriend and I disagreed over the brilliance of Barbara Walsh's "Joanne". I thought she sounded like a young Chita Rivera. He thought she sounded like she was trying too hard.

The show opens on the night of his 35th Birthday. This was particularly alarming as mine is a mere 6 weeks from now. I was acutely aware of every lyric and hidden message. There are two great lines from the show.

One wife is doubting whether or not her husband will disappoint her in their relationship. His poignant response, "I haven't dropped you yet, have I?" made me take pause.

And later when she asks how he can deny that the rain on their wedding day doesn't affirm her fears, he simply says, "we only find what we are looking for." Sweet. Simple. Brilliant.

I like a good Sondheim sappy show as much as the next person. However, I enjoyed the reality in this show more than I did the Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Thanks Stephen.

Puerto Rican Parade Brunch

2007-06-10T05:26:00.000-07:00

Puerto Ricans from five boroughs converge on Central Park today by way of flag-waving caravans for the Puerto Rican Pride Parade. It's also the day that blue-haired old ladies and twenty-somethings living on the Upper East Side choose to brunch someplace south of Tribeca for more than four hours. I guess it begs to ask the question, if you throw a Pride Parade and no one else watches, does the parade count?

While I've never attended the big event, when visiting New York more than six years ago, a group of my friends tried to cross 5th Avenue on PRPP Day. Screams from the crowd included "Faggots!" and "I'm gonna fuckin' kill you." Needless to say, I'm hosting brunch at my house.